Are you on the same financial team as your partner?

Money is one of the top stressors in people's lives today and it one of the biggest contributors to couple's who divorce. So how can you determine if you and your romantic partner (or business partner for that matter) are on the same financial team? Here is what Dorian Mintzer, Ph.D., therapist and coach specializing in couples, money and boomers shared with my audience when she appeared on Chicks Make Cents Radio recently:

Learn about your partner's money history. Yes it is difficult to talk about money in our society but in order to have a good marriage or partnership it is essential. With the recent economic turmoil, more and more people are discussing money matters so use this as an opportunity to talk to your loved one about his or her thoughts and feelings about money, what he or she was taught financially growing up and how these lessons influence current spending and saving behaviors. Dorian shared a great question to start the conversation off on the right note. "What are you most proud of financially?" Yes, you can talk about the good parts of your relationship with money as well as the things you would like to change!

Create and develop a shared vision. Couples go through changes and developmental patterns just like individuals do. Starting out you want to make sure you discuss money matters along with having children, living arrangements and the usual dating conversations. If you did not start out that way, no problem. It is never to late to have a "financial meeting" to start the process. Create a vision of what you want your lives to look like now and in the future. Write this long term vision down and review it periodically. Having a shared vision around money and your life together as a couple will increase intimacy and allow you to find out more about your partner, his or her dreams and how you can live a wonderful life together. Remember that you do not need to agree on everything, you just need to respect each other's viewpoints.

Agree to productive money conversations. Dorian shared a few tips on how to have a healthy conversation around money. Follow these tips and make sure you take a break if one or both you is unable to follow these guidelines.

• Use "I" statements. Start the conversation with "I am concerned about X, Y and Z," not "You did X, Y and Z." It may feel like a subtle difference but it will get both of you started off on the right foot. Respect each other and talk about your experience helps you not accuse your partner of wrong doing. And nobody likes to be put on the spot. Using "I" statements takes practice, but there is better time to start than today.
• Set ground rules. It is important to agree that you will not blame each other, that you will agree to disagree if needed and you will get some professional help from a money coach or therapist should you not be able to follow the rules. We all need help from an expert from time to time and a few meetings with a money coach can go a long way in getting two people back on track and on the same team.
• Set time aside. Life gets busy so you need to schedule "financial meetings" from time to time. Agree to a time to talk for 30 minutes about the topic of money and your couple hood and keep the appointment. If you have kids, make sure they are taken care of so you are not interrupted. These financial conversations make great excuses to get a babysitter and treat yourselves to dinner and movie once you are done.

Do you want to hear more? If so check out Dorian's services, teleclasses and blogs by clicking here. To listen to this and other interviews on my radio show, Chicks Make Cents Radio, click here.

In life, I have learned that sometimes all it takes to get on the same team is asking your partner to be your teammate. At the core, we all want to be understood and work together. Please let me know how it goes. While I am on team Kingsbury, I learn alot from other teams as well.

Kathleen

Does money have a gender?

According to Reeta Wolfsohn, Founder of Financial Social Work and the term "femonomics" the answer is a resounding "YES"! Femonomics is defined as "the gender of money" and is a word that Reeta made up and licensed. Her work was featured on Chicks Make Cents Radio today where she discussed the three reasons she feels there is a gender to money. These include:

• Women earn less: It is a well known fact that women earn 76 cents to every man's dollar, but did you know that African American and Latino women earn even less than Caucasian women? The audience learned that these women earn just 65 cents and 55 cents, respectively, compared to a man's earnings.
• Women are charged more: The last time you went to the dry cleaners you probably noticed that your shirt costs more to dry clean than your spouses. This is true in many situations and supports the fact that women are charged more money for many things - from cars to clothes to health care. It is down right expensive to be a "chick".
• Women live longer: On average, women live 7 to 8 years longer than men but do not plan for retirement or manage their money to account for this fact. Therefore, a majority of the elderly are women and are living in poverty.

Reeta has been working for over 12 years towards leveling the playing field for women when it comes to money and wealth accumulation. Visit her website and sign up for her free newsletter and webinars.

Do you want to be part of the solution? If so, try these three tips:

• Create a space for your money: Pick a dedicated area in your home or apartment to work on your relationship with money. By setting aside space, you are more likely to pay attention to your finances. Reeta suggest you light candles and listen to soothing music while paying bills to help make it a pleasurable experience.
• Schedule time with your money: Set aside one hour a week to work on your relationship with money. Use this time to pay bills, learn about basic finance and/or "talk to money". The more time you spend working on this relationship, the more financially healthy you will be.
• Forget the "B" word: Budget implies deprivation and stress. Throw out this word and use "personal spending and saving plan" instead. Say the "B" word out loud and notice what you feel. Now saw "I have a personal spending and savings plan" out loud and notice the difference. A plan makes us feel confident, in control and ready for any challenge.

Want to hear more from Reeta? Go to Chicks Make Cents Radio and download the radio interview to listen at your convenience.

Do you think your money has a gender? Why or why not?

A Sassy Read for Women Entrepreneurs

The new book, The Sassy Ladies’ Toolkit for Start-up Businesses, is must read for women entrepreneurs across the country interested in staring a business and doing it the right way. This fun, informative and inspirational book takes the reader on a journey from dreaming about a business to making it a profitable reality. The book is written in a conversational, down to earth style making the reader feel as if The Sassy Ladies are sitting with you, coaching and encouraging you every step of the way.

While the book is only 120 pages, it is jam packed with resources and links to websites, books and tools to support you in your entrepreneurial endeavor. The Sassy Ladies have an online club that ties in with the book and provides more in-depth learning in six key areas. These include marketing, sales and revenue, office environment, strategic planning, networking, time management, financial management and self development.

Who are the Sassy Ladies? Michelle Girasole, Wendy Hanson and Miriam Perry are wonderfully diverse and talented women who have been there and done that when it comes to small business. Michelle’s technical expertise is sprinkled throughout the chapters and most helpful in Chapter 4, Working from Home in a section called Technology to the Rescue. Wendy is an experienced business coach who takes complex business concepts like developing a business plan and pricing your products and breaks it down into bite size pieces for the reader. Miriam is a writer and communication specialist who offers her insights into how to effectively market your product or service to the world. This talented trio will empower you to get in touch with your sassy side and inspire you to build the business of your dreams.

The biggest surprise in reading the book was how helpful it was for me, an entrepreneur with 15 years of experience in small business. While the concepts of starting with the end vision in mind, profitability, sustainability and marketing were familiar to me, the easy to read, practical approach and end of the chapter exercises provided new ideas for taking my existing business to the next level.

If you are thinking about starting a business or want to take your current one to the next level, The Sassy Ladies” Toolkit for Start-up Businesses is a great investment and must read.

Money and Empowerment in St. Louis

Last week, I had the honor of presenting a workshop for McCallum Place, a treatment center for women struggling with eating disorders located in St. Louis, Missouri. The participants were staff members and treatment providers such as mental health counselors, dietitians and social workers dedicated to helping individuals and families impacted by anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder.


What does money have to do with eating disorders recovery? More than you would think. Here are the top three connections and why it is so important for those working in mental health to address the financial aspects and complications of treatment:


The average cost of treatment for an eating disorder is over $100,000 per person. Eating disorders treatment is long term and expensive. Often clients require inpatient stays as well as outpatient work including nutrition appointments, counseling appointments and medical check ups, all of which add up in copays and out of pocket expenses.


There is a large correlation between binge eating, bulimia and compulsive over shopping. Many people who binge on food also binge shop. Unless both the spending and the eating behaviors are addressed, individuals may substitute symptoms and not get to the root of the issue - learning how to cope with difficult feelings and life circumstances.


Women need to learn to make peace with food and money. Many women have conflictual relationships with food and money. Those who tend to not eat enough also have trouble spending money on themselves. Individuals who over eat often over shop. The real issue is affect regulation. If you obsess about money or food, you are often too distracted to look at or feel what is really going on. While this is okay ever once in a while, when used as a consistent coping strategy, a person is likely to develop an eating disorder and/or a money disorder. Successful treatment and long term recovery depends on addressing both areas of a person's life.


What is your relationship with food? Does it mirror your relationship with money? Please share your thoughts and stories here so we all can learn to be at peace with both.

The Keys to Success for Lady Advisors

I recently wrote an article for The Glass Hammer, a great online publication dedicated to empowering women to be smart with numbers. The article is called The Softer Side of Finance. Here are some tips for those women out there in the financial sector based on my interview with 7 top Lady Advisors at Commonwealth Financial Network:


1. Practice intellectual curiosity
2. Read the paper every day
3. Speak up at meetings and have an opinion
4. Practice work life balance
5. Focus on helping your clients and the money will follow!


For the complete article, click here.


What is one key to your success?

The Money Clip: Men and The Psychology of Money

When I was young, I remember my dad carrying his money in a money clip. It was silver with a shiny blue and gold US Navy Seal on it. He would pull it out of his pocket when we were at the hardware store getting supplies for his latest home improvement project and it would be messy and overflowing with fives, tens and twenties. I used to watch with little girl eyes as he would pull the wad of bills out, separate them into neat little piles and pay the lady at the counter the amount due. He would then fold up the bills all neat and tidy, re-clip them and slip the money clip back into his side pocket.


I don’t know why this is such a vivid memory for me. Maybe it is because I was daddy’s little girl and I loved going on adventures with him – even if it was just to the hardware store. Maybe it was my love of cash at an early age that makes the image so bright. Or maybe it is because my father taught me everything I know about money. He taught me how to save when I was 5, how to balance a checkbook when I was 15 and how to negotiate my first salary at 21. Yes, my dad taught me to be a fiscally responsible adult.


I know that not every girl, or guy for that matter, was lucky enough to have a dad like mine who taught them about making and managing money. Many more men and women were raised in families where money was a taboo subject, basic financial skills were not taught and if money was talked about it was a source of conflict. It did not matter if you came from wealth or poverty, the silence spoke volumes. With the popularity of the books like Women and Money by Suze Orman and Make Money, Not Excuses by Jean Chatsky, women have permission to talk about their fears, doubts and financial insecurities. There are workshops, webinars, book clubs, podcasts and money conferences all for women. I love the idea of empowering women in this way and have my fair share of products and services to address this audience. But I am afraid the men are being left out.


I believe men need a safe place to talk about money too. Just like there are myths about women and money that need to be broken, there are stereotypes about men and money that block them from living financially secure and satisfying lives. Here are just a few:


Men are providers and naturally know about making and managing money.
You are not born knowing about money and its purpose in life no matter what your gender. Boys, just like girls, learn financial skills and money messages from their parents and other influential adults and need to invest time and energy into this life skill.


Men enjoy talking about money.
I coach a fair amount of men who would rather do anything else than count their cash, balance their checkbooks and talk about money. Just like women, some guys enjoy learning about finances and some do not.


Men are not emotional when it comes to money.
Men are socialized to not show their emotions from a very early age, but it does not mean that they don’t have feelings. When it comes to asking for and receiving money, men have very similar insecurities but how they look from the outside is different.


Men talk about stocks and bonds together for fun.
Some do, some don’t. I spend a fair amount of time with my husband and his friends skiing in the winter and biking in the summer. Not once has the topic of money come up in the last five years. While this is a very limited sample of men, I think it is more indicative than many of us would believe.


There are many more myths about men and money, but you get the picture. Men need to have a forum to talk about money and emotions too. Therefore, I have started a Linked In Group called the Money Clip. Check it out and tell me what you think. All genders welcome!

You can give up shopping

There are many professional women who struggle with compulsive buying and do not realize that there is hope for recovery and a life without the shame, guilt and financial chaos. In a conversation the other day with April Lane Benson, Ph.d., the author of To Buy or Not to Buy: Why We Overshop and How to Stop, I learned about a great teleseminar for those interested in learning more about overshopping and how to break the cycle.


The teleseminar series: Confessions of Three Shopaholic Authors: Recovery Conversations that will Inspire Your Own is a live 1-hour conversation with three remarkable women, each one a serious shopaholic who’s come out the other side and then written the story of her unique recovery. For more information click here.